When Rain Hurts by Mary Evelyn Greene

August 19, 2013

August 19, 2013


Assateague Island, MD (Aug. 6, 2013)

Assateague Island, MD (Aug. 6, 2013)

August 19, 2013. We’ve been living in Maryland just shy of two months now. We moved the day after Peter was discharged from Green Chimneys. I drove the convertible with Peter, one dog, and the hamster, and Pat drove the bigger car with Sophie, one dog, one cat, and three fish. Our orange tabby escaped the house in the last throes of loading the moving trucks and, to our collective heartache, had to be left behind.  Luckily, our neighbors rallied and he was found the next day. Paying someone to drive a freaked-out cat from New York to southern Maryland was expensive, but it beat one of us having to do it. Fifty-eight days later, we are more or less comfortably installed, and I’m on the verge of coming up for air. It’s funny – no matter how thoroughly I try to prepare for transition – for the down and dirty maladaptive behaviors that are dampened but not extinguished, nothing adequately prepares for the reality of coping with kids for whom change can be a life-threatening sensation. And I get it – I really do. Especially 58 days later when most of the debris has cleared. But it wasn’t easy. In the days and weeks following the move, we changed medications, put new safety plans in place, talked about re-hospitalization, called out the National Park police (risking an outing so soon after the move was a MAJOR mistake), cried uncontrollably for most of the Fourth of July weekend (okay, that was me), and generally prayed for a way to somehow undo what we had done. But then Peter started summer school, Sophie met a little girl down the street, both kids had birthdays, I began my new job, and well, things began to settle in, almost in spite of ourselves. It seems we’ll be okay here after all, although perhaps with an asterisk (or two). Peter has three weeks off between summer and fall sessions, and we had no choice but to plunk him in a day camp. Finding camps in August is tough anyway, even more so in a new city, and I came up empty in terms of locating a special needs camp that would take a twelve-year old. So he’s in regular sports camp with Sophie and he’s overwhelmed, over-stimulated, over-everything. But Pat has to work and so do I – and Peter can’t be left unsupervised. In fact, he still needs someone to interact with him constantly or he strays, both behaviorally and in terms of intrusive thoughts. So we haven’t pulled him out, even though the strain is showing. He’s acting out – arguing and being defiant, threatening to hurt himself or us, scratching at his arms and face, actually punching his sister, sometimes in the face (a new and troubling development). He craves routine and structure and I can’t give it to him right now, except within the confines of this camp, which I imagine for Peter is somewhat like Lord of the Flies. The other kids are making fun of him, calling him “Diaper Baby” and “idiot” and chanting “Peter has special needs”. We’ve talked to the counselors until we’re blue in the face and though I think they’re trying, they also helped create the problem. To alert the rest of the counselors, one of them wrote “has special needs” at the bottom of Peter’s name tag the first day of camp. Peter didn’t notice but you can bet every other child there did. And so now he’s branded (he would have been branded to some degree anyway, but not like this). When he came home the other night, fried and angry, I did my best to explain that although he may have some special needs when it comes to learning and behavior, those boys at camp have special needs when it comes to being good people. As he finally relaxed and let me comfort him, I whispered in his ear that I’d rather have his kind of special needsany day, and I absolutely meant it. Peter would never enjoy hurting another person’s feelings. He smiled shyly with the knowledge of that truth and then we snuggled for a few more minutes. But later that night, when he was taking his medicine, he asked me two questions that took my breath away. “Mommy,” he asked, wringing his hands and standing on tip-toe, “do people still have problems in their brain when they die?” And just as I began reeling from the question, he followed, “What I mean is, uhm, Mommy, when you go to heaven, do you still have to take brain medicine?” I couldn’t answer – not even with a gesture. The questions hit me like a heavyweight’s punch. I wanted to quit my job then and there, or at least announce I had to stay home the next week and a half and risk getting fired. I wanted to make my husband keep Peter at home with him and damn the bills (and his business) if he can’t get his work done. What I wanted more than anything was a solution. But there wasn’t. There isn’t one. We can count on one hand the people we know in Maryland and none of them are willing to babysit Peter all day long. Three more days of camp and then he’s back in school, a wonderful school where he fits in, where there are teachers who understand him, who get what his needs are, and who appreciate that sometimes a little cocooning from the rest of the world is not a bad thing. I thought the folks in our new district were going to fight us on placement – this school is not inexpensive, but thankfully they didn’t. So hang in Peter, just three more days. I hear myself repeating this mantra in my head, over and over, like the lyrics to a song I just can’t shake. Hang in, hang in, hang in. I say it for him, my stoic, soon-to-be teenage son, and of course, I say it for me.August 19, 2013. We’ve been living in Maryland just shy of two months now. We moved the day after Peter was discharged from Green Chimneys. I drove the convertible with Peter, one dog, and the hamster, and Pat drove the bigger car with Sophie, one dog, one cat, and three fish. Our orange tabby escaped the house in the last throes of loading the moving trucks and, to our collective heartache, had to be left behind.  Luckily, our neighbors rallied and he was found the next day. Paying someone to drive a freaked-out cat from New York to southern Maryland was expensive, but it beat one of us having to do it. Fifty-eight days later, we are more or less comfortably installed, and I’m on the verge of coming up for air. It’s funny – no matter how thoroughly I try to prepare for transition – for the down and dirty maladaptive behaviors that are dampened but not extinguished, nothing adequately prepares for the reality of coping with kids for whom change can be a life-threatening sensation. And I get it – I really do. Especially 58 days later when most of the debris has cleared. But it wasn’t easy. In the days and weeks following the move, we changed medications, put new safety plans in place, talked about re-hospitalization, called out the National Park police (risking an outing so soon after the move was a MAJOR mistake), cried uncontrollably for most of the Fourth of July weekend (okay, that was me), and generally prayed for a way to somehow undo what we had done. But then Peter started summer school, Sophie met a little girl down the street, both kids had birthdays, I began my new job, and well, things began to settle in, almost in spite of ourselves. It seems we’ll be okay here after all, although perhaps with an asterisk (or two). Peter has three weeks off between summer and fall sessions, and we had no choice but to plunk him in a day camp. Finding camps in August is tough anyway, even more so in a new city, and I came up empty in terms of locating a special needs camp that would take a twelve-year old. So he’s in regular sports camp with Sophie and he’s overwhelmed, over-stimulated, over-everything. But Pat has to work and so do I – and Peter can’t be left unsupervised. In fact, he still needs someone to interact with him constantly or he strays, both behaviorally and in terms of intrusive thoughts. So we haven’t pulled him out, even though the strain is showing. He’s acting out – arguing and being defiant, threatening to hurt himself or us, scratching at his arms and face, actually punching his sister, sometimes in the face (a new and troubling development). He craves routine and structure and I can’t give it to him right now, except within the confines of this camp, which I imagine for Peter is somewhat like Lord of the Flies. The other kids are making fun of him, calling him “Diaper Baby” and “idiot” and chanting “Peter has special needs”. We’ve talked to the counselors until we’re blue in the face and though I think they’re trying, they also helped create the problem. To alert the rest of the counselors, one of them wrote “has special needs” at the bottom of Peter’s name tag the first day of camp. Peter didn’t notice but you can bet every other child there did. And so now he’s branded (he would have been branded to some degree anyway, but not like this). When he came home the other night, fried and angry, I did my best to explain that although he may have some special needs when it comes to learning and behavior, those boys at camp have special needs when it comes to being good people. As he finally relaxed and let me comfort him, I whispered in his ear that I’d rather have his kind of special needsany day, and I absolutely meant it. Peter would never enjoy hurting another person’s feelings. He smiled shyly with the knowledge of that truth and then we snuggled for a few more minutes. But later that night, when he was taking his medicine, he asked me two questions that took my breath away. “Mommy,” he asked, wringing his hands and standing on tip-toe, “do people still have problems in their brain when they die?” And just as I began reeling from the question, he followed, “What I mean is, uhm, Mommy, when you go to heaven, do you still have to take brain medicine?” I couldn’t answer – not even with a gesture. The questions hit me like a heavyweight’s punch. I wanted to quit my job then and there, or at least announce I had to stay home the next week and a half and risk getting fired. I wanted to make my husband keep Peter at home with him and damn the bills (and his business) if he can’t get his work done. What I wanted more than anything was a solution. But there wasn’t. There isn’t one. We can count on one hand the people we know in Maryland and none of them are willing to babysit Peter all day long. Three more days of camp and then he’s back in school, a wonderful school where he fits in, where there are teachers who understand him, who get what his needs are, and who appreciate that sometimes a little cocooning from the rest of the world is not a bad thing. I thought the folks in our new district were going to fight us on placement – this school is not inexpensive, but thankfully they didn’t. So hang in Peter, just three more days. I hear myself repeating this mantra in my head, over and over, like the lyrics to a song I just can’t shake. Hang in, hang in, hang in. I say it for him, my stoic, soon-to-be teenage son, and of course, I say it for me.

Advertisements

10 Comments »

  1. Be well. Breathe. People care.

    Comment by Tessa Nicholls — August 19, 2013 @ 8:11 pm | Reply

    • Thanks so much, Tessa. I do know that this too will pass. It’s just a tough watching him struggle so much, especially knowing that it was our decision that’s causing it. Urgh.

      Comment by whenrainhurts — August 20, 2013 @ 8:12 am | Reply

  2. …hang in, Mary, hang in….

    Comment by Suzanne Ellis-Kelly — August 19, 2013 @ 9:20 pm | Reply

    • Thanks Suzanne 🙂 Hope you’re well and enjoying the summer. We miss Red Hook!

      Comment by whenrainhurts — August 20, 2013 @ 8:11 am | Reply

  3. I’m not sure where you are in Maryland. I’m in Alexandria, VA and I have a bio son who just turned 13 with autism and an 8 year old daughter that we adopted from Serbia 3 years ago. She has post-institutional autism and a whole host of other labels. I would give ANYTHING to feel safe sending Sofija to day camp. She’s a runner and she’s all about self-injury and aggression. We haven’t found any camps that will take her with her risk of elopement. I just found your blog and I wanted to thank you for sharing your story.

    Comment by kacinpoint — August 20, 2013 @ 12:00 am | Reply

    • Hello – we’re in Silver Spring. Peter used to bolt too at that age (unfortunately, this behavior has just resurfaced again with the move, but I think its temporary). At 8, it wouldn’t have been possible to send him to a regular day camp – at least its not impossible now – he’s changed so much in the last few years and I’m hoping you will experience the same with your Sofija. And you’re right – I have never found a special needs anything – anywhere – camp, afterschool care – I hear they exist in some kind of mythical town in some kind of make believe state but they sure don’t seem to be anywhere in upstate NY or now southern MD!!! Thanks for writing, BTW . . . 🙂

      Comment by whenrainhurts — August 20, 2013 @ 8:11 am | Reply

  4. Please know you are not alone….we live in Mt. Airy, MD….thank you for sharing your lives with us!

    Comment by Julie — August 20, 2013 @ 10:20 am | Reply

  5. Mary!! Hang in, hang in, my friend!! I was so relieved to read you are not having to battle your new school district to get Peter into an appropriate school. You all are in my thoughts in your new home, new lives, new lots of things… glad the cat came back 🙂 You should teach your kids that song, ha ha…

    Comment by jill — September 1, 2013 @ 12:28 am | Reply

  6. I second that “hang-in”! We are in Bethesda with our 11-yr-old son, who has relatively mild FAS, and our 10-yr-old daughter, both adopted from Russia in ’03. (Just 7 months apart in age.) I’m glad you’ve found a good school for Peter, and wish you the best settling in here in Maryland. My son is in a regular 5th grade class with special help for his issues, and we’ve been really lucky here. Still glad we’ve not hit middle school yet!

    All the best, Tamara

    Comment by Tamara Grant — September 17, 2013 @ 5:40 pm | Reply


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: